This is a complex issue.
There are a lot of arguments, debates, and flame wars that revolve around this issue. Here’s where I’m coming from:
It was winter, and over four months had passed since I last worked up the nerve to present as anything but male. It’s hard to think of four months as “quick” but before then it had taken years to come to a point where I would allow myself to step out of the box I had found myself in. I had posted the results of my last “exploration” to great success and my confidence was at an all time high.
This time I had actually gone out and purchased new clothes – something I thought I could never do alone.
I tried on one of my new outfits and looked in the mirror. I stared for a long time, frozen. The first thing that finally came to mind was ‘what a joke.’
I wasn’t beautiful, I wasn’t cute, I wasn’t even feminine. I was a joke.
I spiraled into a deep depression, the new clothes haven’t been worn since but for a matter of minutes, and although I am beating back my self loathing one day at a time I couldn’t help but wonder where it had come from?
Then I remembered the cartoons I watched growing up where silly characters would put on women’s clothes – look atrocious – and get a laugh.
I remembered loving (and laughing) at things like Monty Python where toady men would smear makeup on their faces, don wigs, and screech like parrots.
Was that me, too?
I have not renounced any of this entertainment, but I can’t help but feel sorry for the walls they help build around my femininity.
I don’t like talking about my gender issues – the reason being I’m terrified of not being taken seriously.